Pregnancy Nerves: Embracing Pregnancy as a Transition

Pregnancy can be a time of such mixed feelings. Happiness, mood swings, anxiety, curiosity and more. How do you deal with this intense, vulnerable and powerful journey?

I write about my own journey and perhaps chime in with millions of other women about this scared liminal  phase over at one of India's finest Natural Birthing Center's-Health Women Birthing Center. Go on over to their blog to read my post

Also for more on pregnancy and birthing experiences click on the tab "Parenting" to read more.


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A creative exercise in introspection

The other day I chanced upon a treasure on Elephant Journal on how to engage one's creativity...the writer there, wrote about the non-dominantt hand technique...it was a simple process and I was really stuck by the psychological underpinings of it. Here is the link to the article if you would like to follow the instructions and explore the inner recesses of you.

I was taking a work break when I chanced up on this exercise and it was such a blessing. I was immediately drawn into an inner trip and loved the end result. All of it just flowed beautifully to the surface. Arn't you curious about what might be invoked within if you were to participate? Go ahead, try!

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How to Meditate

This was instruction that my father sent along in an email, so i can come back to my meditation practice. I hadn't been meditating for the last few months and truth be told I was dreading to sit. Its a simple practice and so powerful yet its so strange that Ive been running away from it, from myself. With these instructions I am going back to to my practice of sitting, everyday. 

I thought it would be great to put up the email pointers as a guide to those seeking to sit and meditate. Here's to your practice:

Here are the steps for Samadhi meditation:

1. First do few stretches if you dint do full or part yoga already.

2.Sit erect in a quiet, cool and dimly lit place and take five deep breaths counting backwards.

3.Relax and let go and loosen up.

4. Say to yourself: “Right now, in this moment, everything is OK. I accept this moment exactly as it is. All is well”.

5. Just BE, in a non doing state. Do not do anything mentally as well as physically. Just be. Since everything is already OK there is no need to do anything.

6. Do not create any thoughts. Just BE.

7. If a thought comes up on its own, do not block it. Do not hold on to it. And Do not be carried away by it.

8. If you find yourself carried away by a thought, just drop it and come back to just be.

9. Be like that for a while (if necessary keep timer for ten of fifteen mins before sitting and BE till then).

10. Take five deep breaths counting forwards and slowly open eyes and rub palm together and rub face and get up.

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Sitting with pain and fear

Our minds and hearts make it impossible to process tragedy without the use of our life's schemas. We look at  tragedy and wonder what if it was us, what if it was someone we knew... the power of empathy. Cultivating an open and tender heart means that, to look at suffering of others as if we were suffering, to look at others' suffering and know that it really is us, suffering.

Some of us are perhaps like me too. Not only does tragedy, especially ones that take place so close to home shake the inner recesses of my being but also sparks fear. Fear that was buried under the surface because I am in a place of energy conservation right now. Meaning, I perceive, for whatever reasons, that I cannot process current events of my life fully and completely for the time being.

Then a tragedy on the outside provides catharsis and also cuts open all that is buried. I am afraid for my toddler, I am deeply fearful that my decisions are not grounded in well being. I am upset about how bad yesterday went, in tug of wars with people I love, I am upset at my current state of being, for becoming wrapped in something on the outside and so many other things on the inside. I cannot push anything away anymore and I sit with the flood of emotions that come undone. Then I move on to doing things that are pressing, that have to be done, notes to be written, exams to be studied for, baby to be loved and I come back again to the flood of emotions.

Truth is, our minds and hearts wont always be open like this, our automatic responses of survival deems that we suffer, we move on, in whatever way we deem fit. But I suppose what my body and mind asks of me now is to do whichever, fully and entirely.


{Edited to add this note on 26th April 2013: it was too hard for me to talk about what I really was alluding to when I wrote this piece but now with some time lapsed I feel I can clarify...On 20th April New Delhi reported the rape of a five year old girl child. The news was all over every newspaper. I usually dont look at the newspaper but that morning I did and I was shocked beyond words to see this news thrown all over my consciousness. This post was my way of processing my shock, grief and fear there after.}

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A child-led life

Ive been having an interesting week thus far. A real pause and go kind of a week. With Holi on the 27th, Good Friday on the 29th and the Sunday on 31st (I work Saturdays too) I was on a break, staying at home with my little one every alternate day while coming to work on other days.

On the 27th I woke up cranky, I didnt have help around the house, and it was just me and Anika, so while on one hand I had to be pulled to the kitchen to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for us I was pulled by her to be with her and play with her. I was exhausted by all things a toddler typically wants and begged my husband to play with her and spend time with us instead of going to work. He kindly obliged and I had a day of just work around the home and some downtime to sit and read a book. Such is the life of someone who tends to push away what the day brought in for some idea of downtime that needed to be fulfilled. I was wired to see everything as pain on this day.

Food I cooked tasted bad. It felt like Anika wanted and demanded more from me- to sit and stand as she pleased, to play this and that as she desired and to sleep when and only when she wanted, regardless of what I did to oppose. She and I were at two pole ends, I wanted something out of her and she didnt want the same thing out of me. She had readily let go of me and went along with her father and a good time. Thank god for my husband. At the end of the day though I was so sad. I realized I had felt helpless at the start of the day because I had little help for around the house chores, I also HAD to do them (my mind said so), and I gave so little of me in my interaction with my daughter.

Then came yesterday. I would like to start by saying, it was a perfect blend of relaxing and activity. I had given up all my HAVE TO DOs around the house. I had given up any notion of how my day should progress. Yes, I hoped for a good time but I didnt suggest to myself or Anika that it should be a certain way. I embraced all the help I could get around the home.

I know what my daughter wants. Time with me, doing things she's come to love. So I embraced that. She loves a good narrative from me on all things we are doing, so as we go to the terrace to watch birds, look at the sky, the lake around us, she likes a commentary from me on what the birds seem to be doing, what each bird is called and where the puff-a-train is. She learnt "pigeon" yesterday and chased and called out to them endlessly.  She likes to sit with me on the cane swing at home and go "fast fast". She wont tire. Unless she thinks of something else for us to do, we don't get off it.  She likes water and the only way she knows to play with it for now is getting into a bucket of it while in the shower, if I am not too tuned it I would give her a bath three times because she wants to play with me, and do what she loves. Yesterday, we rediscovered a game I began when she was tiny-er. We played with water acting as if it were paint, painted (water) all over our glass door on the balcony and stuck different shapes of foam on it! We made homes, grass, puff-a-train, sun, moon and starts! Of course the main attraction was water so we did a lot of pouring it around and demanding for more. We also made good use of foam circles (that we used as wheel for the train) as earrings and bindi. See for yourself!

Foam Party wear! :-)      

                                   

                                                 

Through the day Anika and I were pretty fined tuned to each others needs. When she was ready to sleep it came at a time when I agreed she should be napping. When she was ready to eat, it came at a time when it was her designated eating time. Life fell in step with us really. At night, she wasnt ready to sleep yet but she was SO sleepy! A little coaxing got the job done as opposed to tantrums and tears like the other day.

I have had many days of mindless tug of wars and a few days of blissful joy like the one i just described. I love playing with her and get ample time for myself on these days. That's when I wonder why I cant replicate these days, times infinite. I know its about a certain state of mind. A certain open acceptance of other's needs and wants and a certain amount of willingness to step away from oneself for the love of someone else (and realizing that this stepping away is key to loving yourself too!). I also think that it is about shedding notions of how things should be. I don't think though that this promises daily life bliss like I had yesterday and yet, sticking to wanting to stay open and available to the day as it progresses, staying available to stepping away from ones own drama helps one get there. Practice is key. No?
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Some links that connects this post to other blog threads: 
Give them what they want
Happy Family Habits

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Lifting myself from the noise of today.

Twenty months ago as a gift, my little brought with her an awareness I hadnt noticed before.  I was made acutely aware of my world, the need to be more mindful and intentional as I put step after another gradually and in leaps and bounds into the person I am and can be. Slowly, for those who read my blog, this  space became more about my opening into mindfulness, the noise in my head and the world around. I began to write about what I was craving to achieve in my life-center, calmness and peace. And as life calls for ups and downs, I endure and pass through them every now and then.

I am not sure why I am saying all this. But I know for sure that life comes full circle. I am at a junction, a place in life where I need my own lessons the most. From a state of boundless openness, I have gone to a place of utter chaos, of survival. And of course I realize it is possible. I realize with utter humility that sometimes life just stinks and there's no way around it than through it.It is thanks to my lessons in gratitude and meditation that I feel I am able to go back to that place of  stillness, even if it is only for a few seconds each day now. I crave for another life right now. A life of less chaos, of more time for love, calmness and control. But that is the irony of life isnt it? What you think you want most is not what you need right now.

The situation I am in is a situation of everyday of course. But somewhere because of pressures from this and that I've stopped acknowledging a need to stay in the present. At least right now. I have my moments, times when I am fully absorbed in love, work and things I am doing to help me bounce. I feel a great need to shift my energies to place of creativity and spontaneity again. And I will. However, here's what Ive been learning from not being very mindful.

Staying in the moment with a toddler this cute is so simple.

-I will fall, I will tumble, I will be insanely unmindful. It is okay and I will just need to forgive myself.
-That there will be no time to think about anything but survival, about how to go through and out of a certain day, week or a month and that's just how things will be.
-That, that magical stillness is ever present but will go unnoticed in the rush of things. There will come a time you (I) realize this and will just as easily slip into stillness. Thank goodness.
- Big fun things can take a backseat but small wonderful joys cannot go unnoticed...like your daughters budding language skills, your husband's knowing concern and love for you, your parents rock solid support, your sisters wonderful funny jokes, your friends' totally different life that fascinates you. This endless list is what keeps me afloat.

If you have stopped journaling like me (temporarily) or never have done before, just quickly writing down something akin to a list like this brings back that smile. Will you try? Try writing about the small things that lift you from the noise of everyday.



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Guest Blog: Mindful Motherhood

I have been MIA for a bit now. Life's on fast-forward, just when I need mindfulness I seem to be pushing it away...everything in its own pace, I tell myself. In the meanwhile though here is a guest blog I wrote for womensweb.in, something that I need right about now. Hope you enjoy it and find something on there that is useful for you too.

Here is the link on Womensweb. Enjoy!


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